


I waited a lifetime for you

by counthoseraindrops



Category: Oasis (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-16 17:53:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16499999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/counthoseraindrops/pseuds/counthoseraindrops
Summary: Honey, you lied when you said you loved meAnd I had no cause to doubt youBut I'd rather go on hearing your liesThan go on living without you





	I waited a lifetime for you

**Author's Note:**

> This is the very first time in my life that I've ever written a story in English, so I'm really sorry for the grammar mistakes!  
> And I'm sorry too because this sucks, so yeah. 
> 
> All the story is basically Liam's feelings about Noel after Oasis broke up.  
> Oh, and also, there are a few songs' lyrics references too.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

Loving you has always hurted so much. In so many different ways. But even if you’re the person that has hurted me the most, you’re still the one that has made me the happiest person on earth. But the pain - the pain never goes entirely away. At least not enough time to forget about it. Not enough to make you feel like you are not doing anything wrong. And even if our thing was wrong, it’s still the best thing I have ever done. Ever.

I’m alone in my house and nothing, nothing remains. Only my delirium, only your ghost.

I’m drinking. An hour ago I sniffed some lines of coke. I was ready to go out, have some fun like I haven't had in so many time. But the night didn't work the way I planned it to be, it never does. Not when I start to think about you again. And it makes me hate myself so much because it’s honestly about such silly things: maybe it’s when I’m putting my trousers on and, for a moment, I remember your hands on my skin. Or, maybe, it’s when I’m shaving and in the mirror I look at my eyes and they remind me of yours. Or if my lips are dry enough to bleed a little… just enough to remind me of when we used to kiss for hours, or when you used to bite them.

_The thing is that I can’t seem to remember any moment of my life without you being there._

I wish I could forget how it feels your hands in my skin, your lips on top of mines, my head above your naked chest, your arms around my waist, the feeling of having you inside me, your haze full of feeling, of love – that you only used to give to me, your smell, when your breath hit my neck and I unconsciously shivered. Or maybe just your voice. It’s funny because, even though you are not here anymore, you are still able to destroy me in a second.

_You’ll own me forever._

I’m sitting on the floor of my big and empty living room, feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. I’m recreating those moments - our moments. And I want to stop doing it because it hurts so much, but I can’t stop doing because it’s actually the only thing that makes me happy anymore.

You left me, knowing how much I’d adored you, knowing you were the only reason I woke up in the morning. Sometimes I think that you must hate me even more than I hate you right now if you could have done that to me.

Lately, I think a lot about our first kiss. Maybe it’s because everything was so easy back then, even if we didn’t knew it  - it all seemed so hard when we didn’t know anything harder. Maybe I’m not being objective but, honestly, I have always thought that it was the most perfect first kiss in the history.

It was the middle of the night of a rainy and cold day of 1986 when I heard you entering our bedroom. You had been out all the afternoon and the majority of the night. I still had to go to school back then so I didn’t go out at night through the week as usually. Thanks to our dad I used to wake up very easily, and it certain didn’t help a drunk Noel awkwardly falling in the stairs. So when I was sure that it was you the one in our bedroom, I tried to get back to sleep. The thing is that, after a few minutes, I realise I haven’t heard anything else in the room. Not even a step, not even the normal crack of the bed. So when I turned around I saw you leaning on the wall, just looking at me. My figure was recognisable thanks to the light that brought the streetlight from outside: slim and long legs were left uncover from the movements in my previous dreams, while all the sheet was rolled up in my stomach.

I tried to get up a little, blushing as hell, and stretching the sheet so it covered my full body. I look at you, you look back at me. You started to walk – try to walk – to my bed. My heart and my thoughts were beating so strong and so fast I thought I was about to disappear. Even if I couldn’t think, I couldn’t stop doing it. Somehow all my body and mind knew already what was about to happen, because there wasn’t a part of me that wasn’t shaking.

You sat at the feet of my bed, in front of me, and suddenly you seem to be so shy: not being able to look at me. There were a few seconds which seemed like a lifetime till you finally did. And, if there is one thing I will never forget in my whole life is how your eyes looked like in that moment: they were like the colour of the sea after a storm. You came closer, I kept myself static - not being able to move a single muscle or articulation either I wanted to say something that could ruin the moment. Then you whispered: _is okay if I kiss you?_ There are so many things that just in a second can change everything forever. That was one of them. And the thing was very simple, as simple as they are always the things that end up complicating more our lives.

I used all the strength I had left to shake my head in approval and then the best moment of life happened. Just like that. You kissed me. The floor was trembling and the night sky was burning, but I didn’t care at all, all I felt was that this was the moment I was waiting all my life. In the moment your lips touched mines I just couldn't understand how I hadn't kissed you years ago. I wanted to ask you if you have ever felt this way before but I just couldn’t stop kissing your lips because honestly it was like being somewhere between dreams and reality.

After a few minutes you broke the kiss and stayed millimetres away from my face, breathless. My hand stayed in the back of your neck - tight hold, fingers entwined around your hair - so scared you would run away like you always do and left me.

 

''I have to breathe.'' You answered to my confused face.

''No we don’t.'' And just after that I locked my lips once more to yours. Because, honestly, I didn’t need to breath. I didn’t want to breathe. Not anymore if that would mean being alive in a world where I couldn’t kiss you all the time. Every hour. Every minute. Every fucking second.

 

We’d been kissing for only a few minutes but in that moment I already knew that kissing you will be the most important thing I'll ever done in my life. And, to be honest, I didn’t think I was going to be able to wait anymore after knowing how kissing you feels like.

I fell asleep next to you, with my most honest smile, thinking _fuck what is right, we are meant to be._

❆❆❆❆❆

You like endings. You only start things when you know they won’t have any future. I liked us because I thought we were forever.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

It’s so quiet here, nothing like in Burnage. Expect in my head, you always fill my silence there. Your voice is still so clear. And I want with every part of myself, to just hear the horrible words you said to me throughout my life but, my brain must hate me because it just reproduces all the beautiful words you said. Those kind of words I know you don’t say to your wife. At least I can’t even imagine about you telling them to anyone else, ever, but me.

I hate you because the day you left you destroyed all the things I liked. The taste of food became different, without flavour. I can't sleep. And when achieve it, I don't rest. Drugs doesn't make any effect on me anymore, not enough to make me forget about you.

I hate you because you left me with a pain no one can heal.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I look at the clock as the minutes, hours, days and months passes. And the only thing I can think about is that we have less time to make things work again.

That time is slipping away between my fingers and one day the clock will stop and there won’t be time anymore, because if I don’t have the possibility of meeting you again, what would be the point of anything.

_There’s nothing left after loving you._

 

❆❆❆❆❆

I have been listening to Elvis a lot recently but, to be honest, it’s because of you. His voice has always made me feel closer to you, and now I need that more than ever. Today I haven’t been able to go out of my house and, as I cry myself to sleep in the middle of the night, I find myself so pathetic - so alone - that I just want to end everything. I think about throwing myself into the abyss, but I find it too deep.

 _Are you lonesome tonight_ is sounding in my bedroom and it makes me feel so furious with myself for drifting us apart, for ruining the most important thing I’ve ever had, for not taking care of it enough. 

_Is your heart fill with pain too?_

And I want to ask you but then I remember that I don’t even have your number. And even if I did you would probably just hang up, like you did the other times.

_I can fix it, you know? I can fix our thing, really. Just come back to me one more time. I will make things right this time, please. Please Noel, don’t leave me alone, I can’t be without-_

 

You were the beginning and the end.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I think the hardest thing to realise was that _you could make it last forever, you just didn't want to._  
It has always been in your hand. Just as it is now.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

I felt your hand in my knee, touching just slightly. And then I couldn't hear anything else in the room, nothing was more important than feeling your touch. I look upright again because I honestly didn't know how much time I spent looking at your hand. You were in a calm conversation with our uncle and mom and I just couldn't understand how you could be so serene when my heart was about to get out of my chest. Your profile was so beautiful, just as your hand in my knee, and I find myself wondering if there was actually any part in your body that wasn't art. I moved my knee closer to you, wanting more. More of you, more of your touch. I guess you understood it because you actually grabbed my thigh. And I wouldn't be lying at all if I say that I almost fell out of the chair. You thought it was funny the way I kind of jumped in the sit so you turned around with the most stunning smile I have ever seen to look at me and whispered “is everything alright?”

And now, as I look at my knee under the table in this Christmas’ dinner with mum and Paul I seem to miss you more than ever.

The chair next to me is empty and everything is dark. All I hear is your voice whispering and I can't avoid thinking _do I ever cross your mind?_

❆❆❆❆❆

 

You looked at me with total indifference, tired. Like you were the only one that have been running all their lives. Like I didn’t had to give up things for you. And it made me want to scream, to make you be furious with me like you used to. To make you feel like I feel for you. But all I did was look at you, my eyes shouting instead _don’t let this die._

The words that you never said end up caught inside your soul forever. And that doesn’t have any solution. Not when the person, whose words were dedicated to, doesn’t exist anymore.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

I wanted you to kiss me in that moment. Not the day after or that night when we’d be alone. I needed it there.

With every kiss that I wasn't able to give you, every feeling I had to hide, all the moments we couldn't spend together, every night we wasted with someone else... with all of them I died a little bit inside.

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I have searched and searched. But I never found that in anybody else. I have never felt again that sensation of flying. And it upsets me so much because I see you with her and I can see that you have felt it again with someone else that’s not me. I guess that explains why I have always needed you, but you have never needed me. Now I _know_ that I have never meant anything to you. Realising that you don't care was the worst loss of all.

 

_Did she make your heart beat faster than I could?_

_Did she give you what you hoped for?_

 

Lately, I remember a lot that phrase our mother used told us ‘’you can’t hang on the past. Because even if you do, it’s already gone.’’ But how can I do that when all I used to do was for you; I tried all my life to pleasure you the best I could, to give you all the things I didn’t have, to make you feel you were the only one (you were the only one). But _I can’t give you what you want if you don’t want it from me._ All I did was for you and now that you are gone, I don't know what to do. I’d have broken every rule on earth for you.

 

_You left with her_

_And left me behind_

 

You keep telling everyone it was all my fault. It used to upset me so much at the beginning: Oasis is in my veins, it's the beat of my heart, it’s what full my lungs with air; I would have never crossed that door if I knew I’d fall - if I knew I’d lose the two most important and constant things in my life. But now, I couldn’t care less. So go ahead, you can say it’s all my fault if that makes you feel like it isn’t yours.

 

We never stop growing, we never stop dying. And, at the end, it’s just silence that remains.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

I truly wanted to spend with you all my history. I truly want. But you kept going to places where I couldn’t follow you. And I fell. And I keep falling every day that I’m not with you.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I think a lot about the last times too.

It was 2008, we were back to our hotel after the gig in Centre Bell (Montreal), and all I could think about was you. How much I missed you. How much I needed to be with you that night. But I couldn't do anything, you shared your room with Sarah. So I took the only opportunity I had and, when I saw you walking down the hall, stopping and searching for your key in your pocket to enter in your room, I just took your arm and dragged you inside mine.

I thought you were going to killed me when I saw your eyes ready to shout at me. But you saw a tear running through my check and I think, for a moment, I woke up something in you. Maybe it was guilt, maybe sorrow, or maybe you just felt the same way as I did that night. At least that’s what I like to think.

So with one finger, still not close enough (trying to not touch me except the necessary) you wiped away the tear.

But that just made me to, inevitably, start actually crying. You looked at me, not saying anything, not doing anything. You turned around and went to the door, ready to spend the night with your wife.

But for the second time in the night I grabbed your arm, put myself close to you to whisper _can I kiss you?_

You didn't do anything, so I put my hands on your checks caressing your skin with my fingers, knowing it will be the very last time I will be able to know how it feels. I put my lips on the top of yours, kissing you so slowly and, for a moment, you kissed me back. After less than a minute you put your hands above mine so you could separate yourself from me. You looked at me one more time, I looked back to you. And for the first time, when I looked at you, I saw nothing. You turned around and disappeared behind the door.

 

If I could go back to that night, I would have never let you go.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I don’t know where it finishes the sea I have inside. And, sometimes, I drown.

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

I cried myself to sleep and you weren’t there to hug me and say that everything will be okay.

I wrote a new song and you weren’t there to raise an eyebrow and say, like always, that it wasn’t _that_ bad.

I went out, got drunk and hit a couple of guys and you weren’t there to help me. And after, shout at me saying that I was an irresponsible because, even if you didn't want to recognise it, you hated when I put myself in danger.

So I don’t if you still love me, if you miss me, but you weren’t there.

 

_I needed you to stay._

 

❆❆❆❆❆

 

A flower can’t never last two springs. That's because the most beautiful things always die too soon. We never thought of the winter. But it always comes, even if we don’t want it. And love can be like a storm, it can raze so strong that it burns itself out.

Just like death gives sense to life, you give sense to mine.

❆❆❆❆❆

You fear everything that you can't control. You fear me. You fear love.

I think that’s why you were afraid of my voice sometimes. You were afraid of what I could say because, unlike you, I always say the truth. And without realising it, I ended up being afraid of it too. That's where the lies begun, when my lies for you begun.

And lies always destroy everything. Even us.

You used to say that it was _something beyond a secret._ And, even though words seem to mean more when you are not the one saying them, I would give anything to hear you say it one more time. Lies has always sounded so good with your voice.    

❆❆❆❆❆

We could pretend we weren’t the same in the dark of our bedroom. But I guess we can’t anymore.

❆❆❆❆❆

We had such a beautiful story. But we knew, even before the beginning, that it won't have a happy ending.

And a part of me always knew that you will be the reason of that end. Just because there couldn’t be any worse ending that you giving me up. You gave me up. And you are not coming back. Not anymore.

_We were meant to be._

**Author's Note:**

> Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there  
> With emptiness all around  
> And if you won't come back to me  
> Then make them bring the curtain down


End file.
